i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
