i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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