i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
