You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize