i wish starbucks made bloody marys
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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