I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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