I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
