I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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