tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
