just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
