Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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