I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
