the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
