The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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