Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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