God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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