Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
