I have demons in me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
