my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
