Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
