Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
