Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
