I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
