Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
