once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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