I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
