I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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