it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
