I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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