I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
