There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
