I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
