you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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