a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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