My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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