After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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