why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
