a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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