I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
