I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
