I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
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