I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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