she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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