the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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