everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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