I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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