to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
