I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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