U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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