and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
