Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
